


Maybe it's a start

by RictusandRot



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: 5 times plus 1.... well 5 but also, Allusions to CSA, Dissociation, Emotional Abuse, Flashbacks, Gaslighting, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, PTSD, Triggers, brief allusions to self harm, give this lady the world and therapy, honestly fuck anyone that hurt Juno, i love juno, im trying to tag anything that might be an issue but, mentions of abuse, mentions of csa, mentions of physical abuse, some steamy stuff in the last part but it doesn't go past making out, yes i am projecting so so much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-06
Updated: 2020-05-06
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:06:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24036328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RictusandRot/pseuds/RictusandRot
Summary: Juno has spent is life protecting those parts of him that are softer than they have any right to be, with the pain he's been through. So many have treated him like it didn't matter. But, the crew and family of the Carte Blanche treat him better. He is realizing that maybe it can be this way, and that he deserves it, and that's a start.(or: 5 times Juno was invalidated or his boundaries and triggers were disregarded and 1 (technically 5) times the be gay do crimes family showed him it shouldn't be that way)
Relationships: Benzaiten Steel & Juno Steel, Buddy Aurinko & Juno Steel, Diamond/Juno Steel, Jet Sikuliaq & Juno Steel, Juno Steel & Sarah Steel, Juno Steel & Vespa (Penumbra Podcast), Peter Nureyev/Juno Steel, Ramses O'Flaherty & Juno Steel, Rita & Juno Steel, original female character/Juno Steel
Comments: 28
Kudos: 354





	Maybe it's a start

**Author's Note:**

> I am projecting a lot in this one, I am nervous about posting it because it was mostly a vent and coping fic. But I actually kind of like how it turned out. I have written others for tpp but always ended up deleting them. There was no beta so please be aware of that and be careful if you are in a place where the triggers mentioned might cause you upset. stay safe and enjoy (I just want to add that I know the punctuation might be a little weird, its mostly because I tend to put punctuation on emphasis when writing emotional stuff, and I'm not sure I want to edit it out now)

Juno steel put up a front of a grizzled and unaffected lady with more to take care of then what happened to him. But if you saw below the brick wall he'd built around him, the facade started to crumble. 

A crooked nose from half a dozen breaks, scarred knuckles that showed a past of defense and offense, and creases that told of ever present tension and cynicism. Below those though, small perpendicular lines on his thighs, cigarette burns places his own hands wouldn't have been able to reach. The latter scars that showed a completely different vein of hard life. 

Juno was brash and blunt. He got to the point and would say he didn't care who he pissed off in the process. But if you watched, you could see the tension in his shoulders when doors are slammed, the way he flinches just slightly at a raised voice. You start to see a history there that tells of more than investigation. 

Juno doesn't need anyone, or that's what he tells himself. It's easier than admitting that the people you needed, or the people you thought cared, let you down. They hurt you, and disappointed you. Left you feeling less than. It's easier to need no one

1 

Juno and Benten shared a room, ever since they were born. When Juno woke up from nightmares Ben would climb down to his bunk and lay by him until they both fell back asleep. 

But Juno had fallen asleep on the couch that night, his small frame tucked under a ratty throw blanket and the end credits of turbo playing almost silently in the background. 

He shot up, waking with a shout and tears rolling down his face. He looked up at his mother, who came into the room at the sound. He was so scared and yet all she gave him was a scowl. 

"You little monster, I have to be up early and you woke me up. Get into your room and don't bother me again tonight." 

Juno sat in the dark of the room, tears in his eyes and colors from the tv playing across his cheeks. He was too scared to walk to his room, but even more scared to wake his mother again.

2

Juno watched the clock tick on the mantle, it was steady like the metronome on Sasha's mother's piano, calming and predictable. Benten scratched idly at the synth wood of the dining table. 

"Something on your mind, super steel?" 

Juno looked up, his brother had an eyebrow raised and that ever present galaxy's best smile lit up his face. But he could tell there was some worry behind it. 

"She's gonna be home soon." 

Ben's smile faded just a bit and he bobbed his head in a nod, starting back on the table. 

"Yeah, I was thinking, wanna help me make some pasta for dinner?" 

Juno felt a rush of frustration and stood quickly, shoving his chair back. Ben looked up, confused, 

"Why do we always make dinner? She's the parent, and yet we are always the ones doing it, the ones cooking, the ones cleaning, finding the money for groceries and for bills." 

He didn't realize that he was crying until he tasted the salty tears on his cheeks. Ben stood up and offered a hug, putting his arms out, letting Juno decide if the contact was ok. Juno gave a jerky nod, letting his twin embrace him. 

"She has a lot going on, I know that doesn't excuse it but." 

Juno tried to be gentle as he pulled away, but can't help but be a bit rough as his hands shake. 

"But. But this, but that. Fuck Ben, we were kids, we are kids now! She should be here for us, she should care about it, and I can't say anything because she'll just be angry and act like I'm the crazy one for acting like she should be a fucking mother!" 

Ben swallowed, looking at his brother with a sad, tired look. Which honestly made Juno feel almost worse than the situation. 

"Fuck Benten, I'm sorry. It's whatever, we'll make pasta." 

"Don't be sorry, it's- yeah it's fucked up. But we deal, right, super steel? You and me, a team to take 'em all on!" 

His smile was back and Juno didn't feel better, but he didn't feel worse. 

3 

Benten was dead, and Juno sat in a police station feeling numb. He had watched them book his mother, still covered in blood, she laughed again when she saw him and all he could see in his head was Ben's body. So cold and lifeless. So devoid of the light that Ben brought to everything around him. 

The paperwork went by in a blur, and before he knew it Juno was back at his apartment. Diamond was still out of town and he realized he hadn't told them yet. It could wait till morning. 

….

The bed dipped and Juno jerked his head up, the sleep blurred vision of Diamond swam in front of him. They laughed. 

"Rough night?" 

Juno felt it all suddenly, and he started to cry. 

"Oh fuck, Juno, hey baby are you ok?" 

They gathered him up in their arms and he choked out the events of the previous night between hot painful sobs. 

"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry Juno. We'll get through this." 

…. 

Days turned to weeks without Benten, and Juno still swung between that hollow numbness and the debilitating loss. It felt like part of him was being carved out and all that was left was a black hole eating him from the inside. 

At first, Diamond was so helpful and kind. But when one week turned to two, they started to be less patient. Less kind, it started as them just humming responses to his words. Then to silence. Then to tapped fingers in irritation. It came to a head when Juno brought his mom up, a month after the death. Diamond slammed their hand down and Juno flinched, 

"Fuck Juno, I love you but this is just too much! He's dead and your fucking mom is in prison. It's over! You need to get over it and let it go! You're just! So depressing! Stop wallowing." 

Juno sat very still, the pain in his chest felt like the ache of loss but with an added disappointment. 

"Yeah, fuck yeah. Right, sorry." 

They smiled at him, standing and kissing the stop of his head. 

"I forgive you, let's just try to enjoy our evening ok?" 

Juno nodded quietly. He didn't bring up Ben to diamond again. 

But he kept the unused wedding dress in the same box as Ben's ballet shoes. 

4

Adrian was pretty, and she was fun. She made Juno smile and laugh, and the drugs she provided certainly helped that along. 

It had been about 3 weeks that they'd been together and they sat tangled on the couch, high and giggling over something neither of them could even remember. 

As they continued, rolling with laughter, Adrian reached up and tickled Juno's stomach. He snorted and his elbow flew out. Hitting her nose. 

"Fuck," 

He choked on another laugh, 

"Babe I'm so sorry." 

She laughed loudly with her hand over her nose, 

"It's fine it's fine," 

She pulled it away and there was blood trickling down her lip. She laughed again, sticking out her tongue. 

"I think you broke my nose, you little monster!" 

Juno's breath caught, and he froze. 

"Please don't call me that." 

His voice was small, and Adrian looked at him confused. 

"Call you what? A little monster?" 

Juno nodded tightly, and they snorted out a chuckle. 

"Why not? I think it's cute," 

They sat on their knees and leaned forward winking, 

"My little monster." 

Juno scrambled up, 

"Fuck just stop Adrian!" 

They crossed their arms,

"Why are you being such a buzzkill June?" 

Juno sighed, darting his eyes around before crossing his arms protectively over his chest. 

"Look my ma used to call me that. Ok?" 

There was a moment of silence and then Adrian scoffed,

"K Jesus, you didn't need to ruin a good buzz with heavy stuff June." 

She got up and grabbed her bag, 

"I'm gonna go have some fun, call me when you're over this mood." 

They walked out the door leaving Juno standing, alone, with his heart beating against his ribs. 

5

Ramses walked next to Juno, his breath rasping. The detective tried to keep up with the conversation but honestly, he was saying the same things over and over. Make the city and the people better, partner in good, on and on. All things Juno recognized and agreed with, but there was something on his mind. Some niggling thought that made his skin itch. 

"Juno. Juno are you listening to me?" 

Juno looked up, shaking his head a bit to clear the cotton in his ears from thick thoughts. 

"Huh yeah, sorry, was just. A million miles away for a second." 

Ramses nodded, and put a hand on Juno's shoulder. 

"Well, regardless you've heard it all before. I need you to be good for me today." 

Juno froze, he didn't know where but he'd heard that phrase before. 

"I need you to be good for me." 

He couldn't breathe, all he could feel were hands everywhere and breath hot and fast against his ear. He felt fucking small and trapped. 

"Juno what's going on?" 

He shook his head, 

"I just, I just remembered something I- I need to go. I think I need air." 

Ramses tightened his grip, 

"Juno, I understand you have things in your past that… Were less than good or ideal. But we need to focus on the future. I need you to go in there now." 

Juno wanted to scream, wanted to tell Ramses to go fuck himself, he wanted to cry. But all he did was nod, and follow him in. Hands shaking. 

+1 (well…)

Buddy had noticed the tension between Ransom and Juno from the moment Peter had mentioned the detective's name. Her suspicions had been confirmed when she saw Juno's expression upon arriving at the Carte Blanche. 

They both assured her it would be no problem, but she wasn't a fool. If Ransom was at meals, Juno was not. And vice versa. She wasn't going to let it go one much longer. Which is why she found herself outside Juno's door at this late hour. 

She would have waited but she heard noises and made the decision to do this sooner rather than later. But the sudden shout from inside wiped those thoughts clean and she dashed in. 

"Juno!" 

The lady in question sat on the floor, clearly just awoken and dazed. He was shaking, and tears ran down his face. 

"Fuck, Buddy-" 

He shot up, wiping his face. 

"Sorry, did I wake you up or something?" 

Buddy furrowed her brow. 

"No I was awake, are you ok Juno?" 

He nodded too quickly, 

"Yep, great. Something you needed?" 

She watched the way his hands shook, she had noticed the scars before. Noticed the flinches at loud sounds and the way he held himself. Protective and scared. 

"Bad dream?" 

He looked at her, wariness clear in his expression. 

"Yeah, I guess. It's fine." 

She took a deep breath, 

"Juno, it's clear you've been through a lot-" 

He waved a hand,

"Yeah yeah, I'm sorry I won't let it be a problem for the team." 

Buddy sighed, shaking her head. 

"That's not what I was saying." 

He furrowed his brow, 

"Juno, darling, I was saying that if you need someone to talk to. We are all here for you. You don't have to suffer alone."

He blinked, looking a bit stunned. 

"Oh. Well… thanks?" 

Budded nodded, giving a soft smile. 

"Do you want to talk about it now, your dream?" 

He paused, clearly considering. It was a step. 

"Um, no? Not right now, at least. Thanks?" 

"Of course, well I'll let you get some rest. I'll see you at breakfast, I hope the nightmares ease." 

She breezed out the door as she saw him relax and nod, talking about Ransom could wait until Juno was a little more ready. 

… 

Jet turned something within the engine and reached a hand out,

"Please hand me that wrench."

Juno did and then began tapping his foot. 

"I don't know anything about cars, big guy." 

The Ruby 7 gave a chirp as if in agreement, 

"So you have said, but I need help and you are the only one who is not currently working on something." 

Juno tensed a bit at that, but said nothing, so Jet continued working. After a few minutes of silence however he spoke up.

"You are not usually this quiet, is something wrong?" 

Juno was still tense and he answered slowly. 

"It's nothing." 

Jet sat the wrench down and looked up,

"If it is truly nothing then it would not have upset you, I would like it if you told me so I do not do it again in the future. But it is your choice." 

Juno stared for a moment, then looked down, answering in an uncharacteristically quiet voice,

"Am I not doing enough, on the team I mean? Everyone's got stuff they are doing and I don't wanna- be a burden here." 

Jet considered and then shook his head,

"You are not a burden. As far as your duties, you cook and you help when asked. I have never seen you shirk any responsibilities. I can assure you I do not see you as an unwanted weight on the team." 

Juno relaxed a bit,

"Ah well, thanks big guy." 

He nodded,

"You are welcome, please hand me that light." 

"Sure thing." 

…. 

Rita had some stream on, and Juno was curled under some of her blankets. Only half watching. She talked animatedly, pointing out various plot points and her favorite scenes. He hummed along, mainly just enjoying the relaxing and calm chatter from his ex secretary and friend. 

It wasn't until a melody started to play, calm and beautiful, the person on screen danced on an empty stage. And Juno felt very empty all the sudden. 

"Boss?" 

Rita was looking down at him, and he wiped hurriedly at his eyes, 

"Yeah, worry just got caught up." 

She gave a reassuring smile,

"That's ok! Do you wanna talk about it?" 

Juno shook his head, 

"I don't wanna bore you when we were having fun." 

Rita paused the stream, 

"You won't bore me boss!" 

He paused and then nodded slowly,

"My. Uh. My brother used to dance to that song, a lot. It just reminded me. Yeah." 

A sniffle pulled him from his self conscious bubble and he looked up at Rita,

"Oh boss, I'm sorry! I mean about the sad part, I don't know maybe it's good to remember him! Is it?" 

He thought about that for a second, 

"Can it be both?" 

She nodded furiously,

"Course boss! Emotions can be real confusin sometimes! Especially when you miss or lose someone!" 

He looked at the image on the screen, 

"How long does this scene last?" 

"Just a few minutes, do you wanna finish it and the movie or choose a new one? Or we can do something else completely! Or I can leave you alone if you need or get Jet or-!" 

Juno laughed, still a bit teary eyed,

"No that's ok, let's finish. I kind of wanna see how the dance ends." 

Rita pressed play, bouncing with excitement. 

"Whatever you say boss!"

Juno watched, and the hole didn't feel so deep this time.

….

Honestly he wasn't even sure what they were fighting over this time, but he and Vespa were once again yelling at each other across the breakfast table. Buddy had given up on intervening, letting them work it out, as she put it. 

"Can't you ever just shut up steel!" 

Juno waves his hand angrily, 

"Oh I never shut up? All you do is talk about how much I irritate you! You'd think my life mission was to piss you off!" 

Vespa tugged at her hair,

"Well it might as well be with as much as you do it!" 

He threw his hands up, 

"Oh here we go, I'm being such a big jerk! Well maybe you're being a jerk, ever think of that!" 

Vespa slammed her hands down,

"Well if I'm being a jerk than you're being a fucking monster steel!" 

Juno didn't reply, he tensed, suddenly looking very small. Rita spoke up first,

"Boss?" 

Juno looked at the table,

"Don't call me that." 

Rita blinked, 

"I already told ya, callin you your first name makes me wanna throw up a little mistah steel-" 

"No not you Rita. Vespa." 

Juno was so tense he looked like he might spring into action and run at any moment. Vespa scrunched her nose, unsure how to react. 

"Call you what? A monster?" 

Juno nodded, it was rough but he still hadn't looked up. 

"I piss you off? Fine. We fight? Whatever. Don't ever call me a little monster though." 

No one mentioned that she hadn't said little. Vespa paused, even with how much they fought she had seen the way Juno had attempted to never call her crazy. She recognized a trigger when she saw it too.

"Alright I won't." 

Juno looked up confused. 

"Wait really?" 

She nodded, 

"I'm still pissed at you, but- whatever. I'm not gonna be an asshole about whatever it is about that word that made you react like that." 

The room is quiet for a moment, before Juno sits. 

"Thanks." 

Vespa gives a grunt in response and sits down next to Buddy. The silence stretches on for a moment before the captain stands cleaning her throat. 

"Well I'm very glad you both handled that like adults, now we can talk about the next job as a family hm?" 

Juno was still mad, but the tension had fled just a bit. His hands weren't shaking near as bad. 

\---- 

Peter was kissing him in a way that made him feel dizzy and floaty like the best kind of high, in between kisses and nips of teeth against his jaw and throat Peter whispered loving words and sweet nothings. 

"My love, so beautiful, so good, my goddess." 

Juno groaned and bared his neck more. 

"God Nureyev-" 

Peter pulled away, pupils blown wide and lipstick smeared. 

"Oh Juno, I need you, I need you to be good for me." 

Juno froze, he felt a million miles away and he didn't know how long he was gone like that but he came back to Peter's hands on his cheeks, his voice worried but soft. 

"Juno are you back with me?" 

He gave an affirmative hum, 

"I'm sorry, I don't- kind of ruined the mood huh." 

Nureyev's brow was furrowed and he shook his head softly, 

"Nothing to apologize for dear, is it ok that I'm touching you? I can move if you need." 

Juno shook his head leaning into the touch on his face. 

"It's ok, just uh. Not below my stomach. Right now. If that's ok?" 

Peter nodded, pressing a soft kiss to the ladies forehead. 

"Of course. Could you tell me what triggered this? If it's something I did I'd like to be able to avoid it in the future. If you are up to it of course." 

There was a soft silence while Juno considered, 

"Um. It was, well." 

He felt a bit panicky, what if Nureyev was disgusted with him? What if he thought it was stupid? 

"Yes, love?" 

He swallowed, 

"When I was a kid, I uh. I guess something happened? I mean obviously stuff happened but. Someone did stuff to me, sexually. Yeah." 

Nureyev had a few emotions pass over his face, worry, anger, concern. No disgust though, and the anger clearly wasn't aimed at Juno. 

"I'm so sorry that happened to you Juno." 

The ex-detective nodded, blinking tears away, he gave a hollow laugh,

"Yeah, me too. But um- he used to say that he needed me to be.. good for him. Before. So I, yeah." 

He saw the flash of horror go over Peter's face. 

"Oh Juno I'm so sorry, I'll find something else to say of course. Do you prefer I don't use phrases like that either?" 

Juno considered for a moment, 

"Um I like when you tell me I'm good, or that I'm doing good. It's, I don't know why but it's that exact phrasing that's so. Bad. I'm not sure of all of it." 

Peter nodded, laying his head atop Juno's. 

"Thank you for telling me, you'll tell me if anything else like that comes up?" 

Nureyev's steady weight and loving words had calmed Juno's thoughts, 

"Yeah, yeah I will. Hey Nureyev?" 

The thief hummed, playing with Juno's hair while they sat pressed together. 

"I uh, thank you. And I love you." 

He felt Peter's smile against his forehead. 

"I love you too, my darling detective."

"Not a detective." 

Nureyev chuckled, and Juno let out one of his own. As they sat, he felt safe. Not so small. And not so scared. 

Juno steel has a lot of scars, inside and out. Placed over and over by himself and people around him. But on the ship, surrounded, ironically, by criminals, thieves and assassins. He feels like maybe, the scars will start to heal. And that's a start.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading and please leave comments and kudos, no pressure but I would deeply appreciate it (I may not reply to every comment but just know I read all of them and am so happy to see them)


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